I recently had a nice chat with someone that included my experience with changing hormonal balance. In September 2006 I had my first injection of estrogen to change the balance of hormones in my body, hopefully forever. I had found my experience that day very profound, and at the end of the day realized I needed to write about what I was experiencing before the memory of it faded away. Here is what I wrote:
2006-09-26, Tuesday
I got my first injection of estradiol this morning around 9:30. Aside from the thorough lesson I received from the medical assistant on how to do it myself, it was uneventful. After she pulled the needle from my skin I didn't have much of an outward reaction (I was mostly surprised at how painless it was), but simply thought to myself, 'Wow, I have finally, finally done it.' I had been taking spironolactone since Friday, but hadn't yet noticed any changes from the induced interruption of testosterone. When I took that first tablet on Friday evening, I stood on my balcony and watched the sun set into the ocean while I thought about that as a metaphor marking the end of the inner turmoil that has plagued me every day of my life. After the injection I went off to work. Coincidentally, I was verbally harassed about my appearance for the very first time on my way to work by two fat teenage morons with skateboards and absurdly baggy clothes, but I don't think the estrogen injection twenty minutes earlier had anything to do with that.
For the whole day at work I don't think I noticed anything different. I was busy on various projects and spent most of the day working on my computer. It was on my way home this evening that I began to notice something. I had started to feel a bit lightheaded on the bus, and I remember thinking, 'Wow. Here it comes. . . . Just what the doctor said would happen.' I got off to do a little shopping on the way home, and was beginning to feel even more lightheaded as I was walking down the crowded sidewalk. It wasn't dizziness and I didn't feel like I was about to faint, but I definitely felt . . .well, lighter. Not just in my head. My arms actually felt lighter; as if half their weight suddenly disappeared.
I walked around like this for a while. Going in and out of stores, and buying a couple of things. Walking down the sidewalk again I noticed another change that may have just been due to the lightheadedness. I'm finding it difficult to describe, but the tension in my muscles began to change. There was something softer about how my muscles made their presence know to me. I spent some time earlier in my life as a woodworker making furniture, cabinets, and other things, and quickly found a comparison from that experience: before, my normal muscle tension was sharp and coarse, like a sharply-cut square edge of wood before sanding, being pressed against the skin; but now that tension felt more like the wood had all its surfaces rounded into a curved sinuous form and sanded smooth. Everything about the sensation was much smoother and gentler. I even felt this in my voice—my vocal chords felt more relaxed when I spoke and the sounds they made seemed more fluid. I also noticed what I can only describe as a heightened awareness of the outer surface of my body. It was like I was suddenly becoming more aware of the boundary between my body and the immediate surrounding space.
I walked around like this for a while. Going in and out of stores, and buying a couple of things. Walking down the sidewalk again I noticed another change that may have just been due to the lightheadedness. I'm finding it difficult to describe, but the tension in my muscles began to change. There was something softer about how my muscles made their presence know to me. I spent some time earlier in my life as a woodworker making furniture, cabinets, and other things, and quickly found a comparison from that experience: before, my normal muscle tension was sharp and coarse, like a sharply-cut square edge of wood before sanding, being pressed against the skin; but now that tension felt more like the wood had all its surfaces rounded into a curved sinuous form and sanded smooth. Everything about the sensation was much smoother and gentler. I even felt this in my voice—my vocal chords felt more relaxed when I spoke and the sounds they made seemed more fluid. I also noticed what I can only describe as a heightened awareness of the outer surface of my body. It was like I was suddenly becoming more aware of the boundary between my body and the immediate surrounding space.
Now, as I sit here writing this, I am noticing this heightened sensitivity throughout my body. Even the taste buds on my tongue seem somehow gentler while at the same time more sensitive. The lights in my living room even seem brighter to my eyes tonight—another good metaphor, as my future seems much brighter tonight as well.
Wow!"
Wow!"
I have been told by several people who have introduced testosterone as part of hormonal therapy that they found themselves becoming more focused inward on goal setting or analyzing abstract ideas. If the interplay of estrogen and testosterone levels changes your sensitivity to external stimuli, then it seems plausible that if shifting the balance to higher levels of testosterone decreases sensitivity to external stimuli, that would let your brain spend more energy focusing on internalized analytical thought, since you're not processing as much stimuli from the world around you. If your testosterone levels are lower and estrogen levels higher, then you will spend more mental energy focusing on the greater external stimuli, and processing what that means instead.
